i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
