mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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