Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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