after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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