My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
