this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
