One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
