You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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