I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
