Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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