Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
