His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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