and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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