Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
