Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
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I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E