You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
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your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My ATM looks so different sober.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
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theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.