just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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