things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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