you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize