I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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