I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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