Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
