Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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