I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Randomize
