tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
