Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
