I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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