id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He has the fingertips of a God
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