My room smells like vodka and shame
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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