i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
