He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just had sex on a roof
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
