Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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