You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
