I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
