census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Buhtt sex?
I met the friendliest cop last night
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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