Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
operation have a gay friend backfired
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
