okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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