So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
