Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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