Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
