last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
