nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
