she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Everything about him screamed your future.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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