so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
