she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
