A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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