she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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