My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
