When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
