Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
