He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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