it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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