I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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