you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
