Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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