I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
