they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
