Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
