so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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