You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
