I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
