I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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