Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
