I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
